(with apologies to Jack Handy)
When the second official comes over to tell you that you have already used your timeouts, tell him that you thought they were free, like molecules in the air. It won’t keep you from getting a yellow card, but it will give him something to think about for the rest of the match.
Do you know how some players keep hitting the ball into the bottom of the block, over and over? It reminds me of that Greek guy who kept trying to push a rock up a hill that kept rolling back on him. Except the Greek guy wasn’t on scholarship.
You want to have real fun with you team? Turn in the wrong lineup. Flip-flop a middle attacker with an outside hitter. You can’t believe the look in the player’s eyes when one of them says, “Here we go again.”
When a junior coach tells you one of his players is too good to play for your school you can respond “old school” by putting a potato in the tail pipe of his limousine or you can respond “new school” by trying to put a potato up his ass. Either way is not too good for the potato.
If you really want to deflate an outside hitter who is playing with too much confidence, you can call her by a different name, like Shirley. But if her real name is Shirley this won’t work because you have to have a lot of confidence anyway to play with a name like that.
If your back row setter tries to sneak into the front row before you substitute, you can admire her courage and ambition or you can say “listen here squirt we aren’t playing any midgets in the front row,” unless she really is a midget in which case you should probably just let her go ahead.
If someone calls you up and asks you to put the phone in the waste basket because they are draining the phone lines, it is probably a prank call or your assistant coach trying to see if you have a sense of humor following a tough loss. You can find out by just setting the receiver down for an hour or so. If no one is on it when you return it was probably just a prank call.
If you lose a match after your team was ahead 2-0, you can look at the stat sheet and try to find out what you could have done differently or you can just blame everything on the setter. Either way no one is going to sit next to you on the bus ride home.
If you are embarrassed about not having a lion or a wolverine for a mascot, at least your team isn’t named after a kitchen utensil. You know something like “The Fighting Can Openers” or “the Enraged Colanders.” That would be hard to overcome.
Want to read it all at once? Buy the book.