Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Yikes: A Social Network for Bad Coaching

Bingo Hermann – Assistant Coach – UKA
I want some advice. We went 3 and 23 this year and I think the head coach is going to get fired, which is really unfair, because in the video we got of our freshman setter from Slovakia you couldn’t tell she only had three fingers on her left hand, and what I want to know is when the head coach gets the footballarooski, what are my chances for the head job?

Wally Fodemski – Yorkville Window Replacement College:
Sometimes I deliberately turn in the wrong lineup just to see how my team handles it. Also, I like to order applesauce at Burger King. Same thing.

Guenther Stinkfowl – Tammy Faye Baker University
Give each of your players a few bucks depending upon how good they hit the ball. This is not so good idea. This is what my athletics director tells me. But what I don’t get is why it is good for basketball player?

Tammy Lou Turnipseed – Chatahoochie Community College
In the last four years we are 527 and 3 and I can’t get an xxxxxxx
interview at a xxx xxxx Baptist college. What’s up with that?

Boyd Webber III – Wyoming Institute of Technology
On recruiting: If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it is probably a duck . . . or a coot . . . or a grebe or maybe a dwarf dressed up as a blue winged teal . . . or maybe some sort of pigeon mutation or . . .

Shirley Cleavage – Mount Pleasant
Has anybody out there ever used Member’s Mark Volleyballs? My S.W.A. says they are OFFICIAL. They look like xxxxing soccer balls to me.

Goat Bukowski – Newark Chef’s Academy
We have an open date on Sept 5, 12, 21, 28 and October 3, 10, and 21. We will travel if you promise to return sometime soon, preferably this season. Also we need five teams for our six-team invitational on Thanksgiving weekend.

Tom Tripe – Volunteer Coach MISTAK U.
I came up with this wonderful anagram for team building. Tell me what you think of it:

T – Togetherness : We do everything together, well not exactly everything, but most things, except when we don’t.

• E – Eventually: Eventually everything will come together with our togetherness and we will start to win or at least not lose as much as we have been.

• A – A: A is our passing formation backwards in our fifth rotation because our libero who is at the top of the “A” which is near the baseline can’t pass.

• M – Mighty Marmots: This was our old nickname until one of the players looked it up on Wikipedia and discovered what a marmot is, which is not very attractive or athletic, and then we looked at ourselves and our record and decided a more accurate team name would be The Relatively Mighty Marmots, but that wouldn’t fit in the anagram.

• Tammy Lou Turnipseed
• Boyd Webber III
• Goat Bukowski

Farmville to Shirley Cleavage – Mount Pleasant
Wally Fodemski found a deflated Voit volleyball on your Turnip Farm. It was being used as a doorstop.

— Terry Pettit – author of Talent and the Secret Life of Teams. From October 5 through December 1, 2010, Coaches who order 5 or more copies of Talent and the Secret Life of Teams at will receive a free telephone consultation with Coach Pettit on a coaching issue of their choosing.

On The Eve Of The Ryder Cup, 2010

We are sitting at the bar at Oskar Blues off the diagonal in Longmont, Colorado after watching our daughter’s team play a volleyball match in Boulder, where the linesmen were barefoot and the locals were more interested in the five-piece band than the score. Anne is sipping water with lemon while I am drinking a stout thicker than roast beef that tastes like licorice.

Next to us three men in their fifties are talking about the courses they’ve played. Nancy Grant, a former player of mine at Nebraska, once told me that only thing that was a bigger waste of time than the four hours men spend on a golf course is the time men spend talking about golf after the round, and in particular the shots they could have made but didn’t. Her husband, Mike, is an avid golfer. I completely understand what she meant and I am guilty on all counts.

On the television above the bar three Golf Channel jockeys are in animated conversation about the four-ball pairings in tomorrow’s Ryder Cup matches, which are not named after the truck rental company, but an English seed salesman who first proposed competition between English and American golfers in 1925. In recent years Europe has replaced England because through the middle third of the last century Great Britain began to be not so competitive in a lot of things, among them the Ryder Cup. I always have difficulty getting “up” for a continent.

It is hard for me to get patriotic about the Ryder Cup because 90% of the professional golfers on both teams live in Florida, do not pay state taxes, have beautiful wives (in some cases multiple lovers) who drive BMWs on their way to Whole Foods and Sax 5th Avenue. Having said that, I will watch because I am fascinated with how athletes handle pressure, although it would be much more entertaining if each competitor put up twenty percent of his own yearly income, winner take all.

Later this week I will play in one of the thousands of Ryder Cup spinoffs that take place around the country pitting local clubs against each other. I was the 24th and last man selected for the Mariana Butte Team (a mountain course in Loveland, Colorado) that will compete against 24 golfers from the Olde Course, which sits on flat land in the center of town.

Selected is perhaps too strong a word. For the second year in a row, I will be one of the oldest competitors on either team, making the Mariana Butte team this year by the skin of my teeth, by  finishing with a net 70 in the club championship when several younger golfers allowed their minds to drift to the Broncos, the Rockies, families or fixing the leaf blower. God, how I love to compete. At 64 the opportunities are getting fewer and fewer.

After we finish our meal we get in our car and begin the short journey back to home, Anne happy that we stopped and sat and talked, me with the lingering taste of molasses from the home brewed stout, and I am reminded of the sweet contentment of the children’s book written by Margaret Wise Brown which I read to both our daughters before they grew up into the world of volleyball, SATs, college degrees and marriage. I shall paraphrase here:

Good night moon.

Good night to the three men talking

Swing paths in the Oskar Blues Bar.

Good night to the spaces between the stars.

Good night Anne, Katherine and  Emma

And facebook acquaintances wherever you are.

Good night to garish sweaters and and large white belts.

Good night to my father who turned 89 this week,

Who made my first golf club on a wooden lathe,

May he continue to dream of hickory shafted drivers,

Of walking from the the green to the next tee,

Of mashies, niblicks, spoons and cleeks.

Why I am not buying an iPhone . . . Yet.

My first cell phone was a Motorola bag phone that had the heft and design features of a brick. It was 1995 and I made three calls for the year while receiving none. I didn’t memorize the number and I certainly didn’t give it out. The last thing I wanted was to have someone call me when I was recruiting or fly-fishing.

I thought about that last week as our family considered the options available today, particularly smart phones like the iPhone and the Droid. Anne and I had deliberately not upgraded our phones in three years so that when our daughter’s two-year contract was in synch with ours, we could consider other cell phone plans, in particular ATT, which has a monopoly on the iPhone.

I have had several people tell me, with a countenance not unlike lighting a cigarette following sex, that they believe the iPhone is mankind’s greatest invention. Now to be sure none of these people lived during a plague, polio outbreak, or had personal family members consumed by the Donner party, but even so, their enthusiasm seemed to make their lack of perspective almost endearing.

When I ask them why they believe an iPhone is a more significant achievement than a Porsche Speedster or a Mizuno seven iron, two inventions that I am particularly fond of, they respond the iPhone is important because of its versatility. The iPhone already has a hundred and forty thousand applications.

Beyond (yawn) GPS, calendar, camera and recording features are cleaver options I never would have thought of, at least after eighth grade. There is an iFart application. There is a dog whistle and an application you can click to hear your favorite Star Wars character say a signature phrase. Before you finish reading this someone will have created an application that sounds like Spock farting while dog whistling at the same time.

There are dating applications for cross dressers searching for transvestite crane operators. There are applications that can translate your dog’s barking into Portuguese. Want to make a hamster casserole? i-Rodent-for-lunch has you covered. Should you be bitten by a black mamba there is an application that tells you the five most important things to do. Number 5. is to bend over and put your head between your legs and kiss your sweet ass goodbye, but only after naming who will inherit your iPhone in the i-Am-about-to-die application.

So how much would it cost to be able get a phone that can reserve a table for four at the L’Esguard restaurant in Sant Andreu de Llavaneres, Spain, where what one iPhone blogger had what she called the “worst meal in memory.”

I could trade in my customized Sprint Samsung with duct tape holding in the battery (I call it my Samsung Urban Model) for an entry-level iPhone for $200 plus an extra $15 a month for a data plan that would allow me to become more self absorbed and introverted, especially in public spaces or across the breakfast table. For the three of us (i-Abacus please) the total would be $600 plus $45 a month for the life of the plan plus a one-time upgrade of twenty-five dollars, and the slight inconvenience of not being able to call anyone in a major American city between four in the morning and eleven o’clock at night because the call is likely to be dropped because so many iPhone users are using the I-Stand-by-me application which offers opinions on whether or not Goofy is a dog or who would win in a battle between a gorilla and a python.

Which raises an interesting question? Could a python digest a Motorola bag phone? Unfortunately I don’t know the answer because there is only one place that might offer an opinion, and unfortunately I decided on a more modest upgrade to an LG Remarq which only cost me fifty bucks, if you count the hundred dollar rebate which should show up before the next comet named after a female president lights up the evening sky.